When I read the viral Facebook post about the letter a family affected by disability received, I felt sick. (More on that HERE)
In fact, it took me right back to opening a letter addressed to us.
Additionally, that Facebook family from Newark Delaware has heard from countless others who have also been on the receiving end. I also know others. We all know about Facebook bullying and flaming, but apparently old school letters are still in production. Plus, they can be left anonymously. Cowards.
Families affected by disability are already generally hyper aware of being in the spotlight. They don’t need someone to enlighten them.
When our two were still little we lived in a house on a corner…first one in a cul-de-sac development. The bus needed to park at the end of the driveway and load them up with the stop sign arm out. ONE AT A TIME. Believe me, I felt the pain of that for anyone who mis-timed their departure for work and had to wait once the stop sign unfolded.
Each new bus driver would receive my pleas to let people pass the bus on our relatively quiet road. They would refuse, reminding me that if the bus was bumped while loading, the girls could get hurt. I knew it, but I so hated the inconvenience to our neighborhood. I am capable of putting myself in someone’s shoes and I found myself lacking patience if the roles were reversed. It has been a long 16 years of this scenario and, although we live in a different neighborhood, I am glad this part will soon be finished!
One day I grabbed the mail and noticed a hand addressed letter shoved in. I hurriedly opened it thinking it was an invitation or note of encouragement. I noted the lack of stamp and return address but still felt it would be something good. Looking back I would have settled for a chain letter or even an invitation to a Tupperware Party! Instead I found a letter suggesting we made the entire neighborhood’s morning more difficult by blocking traffic. That “everyone” had talked and were frustrated by the situation. While she suggested she had sympathy for my situation she needed me to find an alternative to the bus stopping traffic…her son could not be late for his morning sports practice any more. (Ummmmmm…couldn’t HE leave 5 minutes earlier???)
Unfortunately, that was not the only time we have been on the receiving end of unkind words.
In general I have no reason to talk about the hurt from words…printed or spoken. And if I’m honest, I’m certain unkind words have come from my mouth, too! I recently read a quote from the Festive Farmhouse and I’d like to think that this has been my journey, the way I have processed:
But, oh my goodness, it is so hard, isn’t it?? When someone states that our family takes up more than our share of time and attention, or that it amuses them to compare the size or development of our kids with their kids, or any other comment that highlights us as extra work or a hassle–stabbing pain.
I am so thankful for those who walk beside us and do what they can to make us feel loved, included…wanted.
Facebook mom, Valerie Greene Jerram, says it didn’t exactly feel like bullying to her…more like a response to fear. Either way it seems cruel. She explained her response:
“There’s been so much through the years that if I were to feed off that anger, we would be miserable. And I don’t want to be miserable. And I want to be that mom that makes a difference for all the other kids and all the other moms.
So how can we make a difference? What are real ways that people can express inclusion?
When I tore open that letter 12 years ago, I had the wind knocked out of me. I felt so sick and singled out. I recall the heat rushing to my face and my throat going tight. Our driveway and side door ran parallel to the my neighbor’s driveway and I hustled right over to find out more. I vividly remember her looking up from her laundry and cursing under her breath at the look on my face as the letter hung in my hand. She ran to me with open arms and a hug.
“So it’s TRUE?? Everyone talked??” I questioned. She explained that a neighbor DID come around to try to rally support for her request, but that didn’t mean people agreed with her. Most had shut her down.
And then one by one, neighbors showed up to say “she doesn’t speak for me…we love your family here”.
I believe it was around the time the book and movie “WONDER” became a hit that I began to see so many kindness quotes on T-shirts.
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But what good are words on shirts if there is no action behind them??
Nothing feels blessed about being broken. In fact, certain circumstances in life hurt so intensely that we think we will never heal. But blessing can come in the wake of our being broken.
Charles Stanley
If you are are unsure if the details will work for their family, don’t decide for them…let them decide!
I am guilty of this myself. So many times I have an idea and then I decide the other party may not be able to arrange their life to participate, so I don’t ask. I try to remind myself “that’s for them to decide, not me!” I hear people express their sorrow at not being accessible so they just don’t ask. Occasionally, there are times we have turned down invitations because the accommodations were just more than we could manage. For some it could be too noisy, crowded, lengthy and so on. But I am sure we surprise people by using our portable ramp or fireman carrying our way in. It’s always nice to feel wanted.
Make the effort to prepare a spot for families affected by disability. Show them they’re not just wanted, they are expected!
Inviting people with different disabilities may mean making adaptations. If you have those already prepared then the invitation feels so much more real. The burden of figuring it out has been taken off of those with the disability. The spotlight has dimmed a bit.
When we first attempted Wednesday evening dinner and small groups at our church, we would come tearing in at the last possible moment to grab dinner (try to hide your surprise). Of course we can’t just all split up and fill in table spots since the girls need assistance, so it caused all sorts of rearranging. (Let me remind you that families with special needs often grow weary of causing so much disturbances. Many families simply stop coming.) One night we spoke up and said, “Hey, we can’t find a spot that works for us tonight. Could someone set up another table?”
They did. And not just any table….a rectangular table. All the other tables are round, but this one worked well for us to pull in two wheelchairs. After verifying that it made us happy, someone decided to make it their project and reserved a table for us each week. It was a HUGE relief to just pull right in and get down to the business of dinner! It said we want you here. But even more than that, we expect you here.
When you are searching for words to share with a family affected by disability, phrase words with positively.
Honestly, we are all going to interact in our community in ways that don’t require an invitation to dinner or ramping your front door. (Let’s not make this awkward!) Sometimes a passing conversation is all that is needed to feel welcome and included in the community. How does that saying go again…? How do you treat people with disabilities…? Like people. You treat them like people.
However, in my experience, too often people make the conversation more negative than needed. For instance, when asked the girls’ ages they are often surprised. Instead of saying they appear much younger, it would make a kinder conversation just to respond with a complement (cool T-shirt!) or follow up question (how did you spend your day?). There is no need to assess or judge the family. Keep those thoughts to yourself.
Just this weekend a man noticed us in an old pizza hang out and came over to say it had been a few years since he noted us around town. While we didn’t know him, we were happy to chat a little and enjoy a sense of community.
It mostly went well, but to be honest, it left me a bit unsettled when he described when he first saw us. He recalled going home to tell his wife he saw the girls wheeling around in the driveway …and telling her we had two like that.So much work. I would like to tell the girls he meant cute like that. At least then they could have responded with thank you, but instead we just had to stare blankly. Seriously. So leave out the negative sounding comments. A simple “I am sure you have been busy” would have been better!
If you feel the need to validate the perceived stress on the family than be prepared with SPECIFIC offers of participation:
Seems like they stay busy, could I help by staying at the event for you? Did you see there is a local-_____________ coming up, could I be extra hands and attend with you? I would enjoy knowing them better, would you be open to me coming over for an evening…I’ll bring dinner/dessert.
Otherwise, your words are just that…words. And they can put people affected by disability on the defense.
Find ways to help them serve alongside you in the community.
This is a wonderful way to extend more than kindness…it is inclusion. When you have something nice to say, extend an invitation, make conversation…Kindness. When you ask someone to participate alongside of you in a purposeful way…inclusion. And really, isn’t THAT the true sense of community?
Obviously you may need to think of a job that isn’t on your typical list. Maybe they can greet people as they arrive. Our girls love to hand out things: programs, water bottles, you name it. As I brainstormed volunteer opportunities with a local non-profit the director asked if they would host a mini-golf hole at a fundraiser. They needed someone to keep people honest in their reporting of a hole-in-one to claim the valuable prize. What a creative way to keep us engaged, involved, and purposeful.
John Maxwell speaks often to the idea of finding purpose as key to feeling success. He also acknowledges that none of that is built one bit on have a high IQ or leadership qualities. What a gift it is to include all of the community in serving the community with each individual’s gifts and abilities!
Are there ways you’d like the Delaware ballfield community to step alongside the Facebook family affected by disability? ME, too!
Now let’s take our pointing finger and direct it back at ourselves. What ways can we make a difference right where we are?
If you have an idea, I’d love to hear it! OR if there is something someone did to show your family affected by disability kindness and inclusion…or you have something specific you wish someone would implement…share that! Viral posts aren’t the only things that spread…let’s spread kindness and inclusion.
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